Thursday, June 9, 2016

Motherhood {Thoughts & Fears}

Today marks one week until my due date... and also 12 years since my mom passed away.  Today is always a hard day and I think being so close to having my own daughter has made it even more of an emotional one.  
I was terrified of getting pregnant for one big reason.  I don't want my children to have to go through what I did as a child.  I know it's a completely unreasonable fear to be worried about myself being sick/dying/leaving them and if that is God's plan, then that's his plan, but I would just never want them to go through what my brother and I did.  Losing a parent at a young age is so hard.  Especially a parent that has dealt with a long illness and it's all you've ever experienced in life.  Spending weekends at the hospital, waking up in the middle of the night to hear her crying in pain, watching the clock at school knowing that she's just about to go into surgery, spending holidays wondering if they would be the last one together as a family.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone and it's always been my biggest fear when it comes to having my own kids.  Because there is just no way I can protect them from possibly having to experience that.  But I know that isn't how we should life our lives - in worry and in fear - and I'm so thankful that God knew what I needed more than I did and sent this little surprise baby our way.
My biggest hope is that we can raise her to have a strong relationship with God and know how much she is loved by him, because that way, she can get through anything that life throws at her.  It's just so much pressure when you think about it!  To raise a good, kind, loving, generous, humble human being - especially when you feel that you could use a little improvement in every one of those areas yourself, haha.  I pray every day that although we don't know what we're doing half the time, that she can see how much we love her, love each other and love God.
And I wish, more than anything else, that my mom could be here for this.  It makes my heart ache to think of everything that she hasn't been here for, but this might be the hardest.  Although it brings me comfort to think that her and this baby girl have spent the last 12 years together in Heaven and now my mom is sending her down here to be with us.  Jeremiah 29:11 has long been my favorite Bible verse/quote - it's honestly one of the only things that got me through those days after her death - and I feel is so applicable to a new life coming into this world, too.  
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future."  
I truly believe this and I know that no matter what happens in our life with this baby, that God has a plan for her and that she will be so loved.  And at the end of the day, that's what really matters.
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35 comments

  1. I think your fears are obviously natural given everything that you've experienced. But we can either live our lives in fear, or live them. Easier said than done, though right? I think the most comforting part (and how I will be looking at things when my day comes) is that your mom definitely has been a part of this, and will continue to be there for you, and for your daughter throughout the rest of your lives!
    Thinking about you today and sending you love. Today is 3 months for me.

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  2. Aww Katie, it's so natura for you to have those fears. I was thinking just last night about how sad it would be to lose anyone right now. All I want is for my baby boy coming to be loved and know everyone who has loved him. I think the worries are not over, in fact they have just started. Hope you have a relaxing day and think of how amazing your momma must feel right now, knowing her baby girl will be having her own! Xo

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  3. You have such a beautiful outlook, Katie. I can only imagine how hard it must be and how many emotions are involved, but I think all of those things will make you into an even MORE loving Mama. Your little sweetheart is lucky to have you & you are lucky to have her. Soak in the last week before due date time! xo

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  4. Hugs hugs hugs! These fears are so natural for you and especially experiencing such a big milestone in life without your mom. Just think of what an amazing guardian angel your little girl has now watching over her. Having a baby is one of the most amazing, beautiful, scary experiences of your life but just remember none of us know what we're doing at first and you learn and grown. Lean on your dad, friends, bloggers, anyone that will listen and give advice. You're going to be a wonderful mother!

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  5. Such a beautiful verse that has always stuck out to me, sending you lots of *hugs* on this hard day for you and your family. You are going to be the most wonderful mother to the little girl who is almost here, and God's plans for you and your family are more wonderful than your wildest dreams <3
    http://peridotkutie.blogspot.com/2016/06/pretty-baubles-for-great-cause.html

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  6. You will be the best Mama and your Mom with you and watching over you. Thinking of you sweet friend! Enjoy these last few days soaking it all in! xx

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  7. I would have the same fears if I was in yours shoes too. I think it's completely natural to want more for your unborn child. You want to give her all the things you never had, including a normal childhood. Those circumstances are so hard on a family. I can relate. My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was 8. That experience forever changed our family and changed the way we live our lives. Time is so precious. God has a plan for your soon to be family of three, and I know it's nothing shy of amazing! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you head into the final stretch. Congrats!

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  8. What a beautiful and honest post. I know your Mom is watching down on you from heaven and is so excited for you to become a mother to a little girl! Lovely verse! And yes, it is a lot of pressure to try to raise a little human being! But, it is so much fun and she will fill your life with so much love and joy!

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  9. I just had my first baby in February and experienced these same fears. My mom died 11 years ago after being sick for 8 years. Everyday I think about how different this experience would be if she were here, but like you I take comfort in knowing that she knew my baby girl before I even did. In that way I like to think they share a special bond. Your mom will be the very best guardian angel for you and your daughter. And she will be here before you know it!! :)

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  10. What a beautiful post! Being a parent is hard, and half the time we all don't know what we're doing - but as long as you instill in her those qualities and show her love, she will grow up to be exactly what you hope for :). Don't worry or stress, you both will do great! xoxo

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  11. What a beautiful post! I know this time must be filled with so much joy but also sadness at missing your mom. It is obvious that even though you had 15 years with her that her strong faith was completely instilled in you and I know you will pass that on to your daughter! Prayers for you today sweet friend!

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  12. I think that's your only job as a parent to do with full force - lead them to God. With Him, your baby can handle anything ahead.
    & hang onto the knowing that you will ALL be reunited one day together... how amazing is that. Your mom's spirit is with you in having this baby. Her touches will come through you onto your daughter. Legacies live on.
    Love your honesty in your fears & sharing with us.
    you're going to be an amazing mom because of the life you have lived.

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  13. Aww Katie! This post is so honest and beautiful. I think your fears are completely normal as even I have them and have never been through what you have. Being a mama is so emotional, but it's absolutely the best thing! You'll be a great mom!

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  14. So beautifully written - thanks for sharing this with us, it's incredibly vulnerable and brave of you.

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  15. The tears...although I'm technically a Stepmom to Ethan (my stepson), one of my greatest wishes is that she could have met my husband and stepson. I know she sent them to me though...and that she's always with us. You're going to be a wonderful mother, so beautiful. Thinking of you!

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  16. Katie! This is so beautifully written. I'm sure this time is filled with so many emotions! I'm excited for you to join the motherhood and once again have that mother/daughter relationship! Then I think you will have an even greater understanding of the live your own mother had for you!

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  17. This is beautiful Katie! I lost my Dad - suddenly - at 13 and am missing him so much during this pregnancy! I know he would have been so excited - as would your mom have been!!! You are absolutely right, raising your sweet girl to have a strong relationship with God is EVERYTHING!!!! <3

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  18. This is one of my biggest fears/thoughts as well but know that your Mom is with you no matter what, and she'll be there cheering for you high above the clouds and will make sure all goes well :)

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  19. All the hugs to you today, girl <3 Don't let the devil steal the joy out of motherhood for you with worry and fear!!

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  20. You're going to be an incredible mom. Just by thinking about these things means that you are way ahead of the game :) Praying for you as you start your journey as a parent. It's going to be wonderful!

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  21. The verse you have highlighted is the best verse in the world and He has you in his hands. Lots of love and prayers to you today and continually, sweet friend.

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  22. You know I've got you with this 100%. I'm always here if you're afraid or sad or scared. You're going to be an amazing mom. And I wish more than anything that your mom was here to see what an incredible daughter she's raised... but she's with you - every step of the way. And I am too. *hugs*

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  23. Katie this is so eloquently said and such a sad story to hear! You will be an incredible mother and your daughter is so luck to have such a thoughtful, kind and appreciative mother. I'm so happy for you and this exciting new journey you are on!

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  24. Beautifully written. My pregnant self is crying reading this.

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  25. Oh, my sweet friend! My heart is pouring out to you after reading this post - I can't even imagine what you must be feeling as your daughter is about to make her arrival and not having your mom here to be with you for it. Although, I'm sure she is (and has been) with you every step of the way and will guide/protect you and your daughter as your lives progress. I'm sure all your fears are completely normal - you wouldn't be a loving mother already if you didn't worry about the well-being of your child! I'm sure you're going to be a fantastic parent and that your baby will know how much she is loved. <3

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  26. Such a beautiful post. I understand how bittersweet all this must feel. Lots of people are praying for you as you start your own journey as a mom.

    Ashley
    acutelifestyle.blogspot.com

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  27. you're going to be an amazing mother :) i wish your mom were here with you, and i am sorry for everything you went through. your daughter will know how much you love her, and that is so important :)

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  28. You are going to be an amazing mother and it breaks my heart that you had to go through the suffering and loss of your own mother <3

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  29. This is so beautiful! You are going to be amazing. The fact that you want all of those things for her already makes you a wonderful mom. Thinking of you! xoxox

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  30. Oh friend, thanks for sharing your heart. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you growing up like that. That is a lot to carry on young shoulders. I completely understand the feelings of not wanting to bring children in the world because you can't protect them from the pains and sorrows of this world. I've felt those same feelings. I shared this with an older, wiser lady once and she said, "what if your mom had said the same thing? What if she had said that she never wanted to bring children into the world who might face abuse or heartache - would you say that the good in your life hasn't been worth living?" That changed things for me. It put it in a different perspective. Yes, life has been hard sometimes, but life has been so full and sweet and precious as well. There is no part of me that wishes I had never even existed. I pray that your daughter never goes through what you went through, but I also pray that when life hands her hard things, she will cling to God (just like you are saying here). He never lets go of our hands as we walk through this life. I pray she is always confident in His love for her as well as your love for her. *hugs*

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    Replies
    1. Ps. You are going to be an awesome mom! I love how intentionally you are thinking things through already. :)

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  31. You are going to be the best mom! Thinking of you during this time and praying for all of you! xo, Champagne&Suburbs

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  32. Aww this was so beautiful, just kind of stumbled on your blog and came across this post. I don't know anything about you, other than what I just read here but I just want to say you will be such a great mom. The fact your motherly instincts are already so on guard and ready before the baby even gets here says alot about the type of mother you will be. And honestly all you can do as a parent is your best and then leave the rest to God. Congrats on the baby as well!
    www.alotoftola.blogspot.com

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  33. Aww this was so beautiful, just kind of stumbled on your blog and came across this post. I don't know anything about you, other than what I just read here but I just want to say you will be such a great mom. The fact your motherly instincts are already so on guard and ready before the baby even gets here says alot about the type of mother you will be. And honestly all you can do as a parent is your best and then leave the rest to God. Congrats on the baby as well!
    www.alotoftola.blogspot.com

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  34. What a beautiful post! You are going to be a wonderful mother, I can't wait to follow along on your journey! Xo, Stephanie

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