Today marks one week until my due date... and also 12 years since my mom passed away. Today is always a hard day and I think being so close to having my own daughter has made it even more of an emotional one.
I was terrified of getting pregnant for one big reason. I don't want my children to have to go through what I did as a child. I know it's a completely unreasonable fear to be worried about myself being sick/dying/leaving them and if that is God's plan, then that's his plan, but I would just never want them to go through what my brother and I did. Losing a parent at a young age is so hard. Especially a parent that has dealt with a long illness and it's all you've ever experienced in life. Spending weekends at the hospital, waking up in the middle of the night to hear her crying in pain, watching the clock at school knowing that she's just about to go into surgery, spending holidays wondering if they would be the last one together as a family. I wouldn't wish that on anyone and it's always been my biggest fear when it comes to having my own kids. Because there is just no way I can protect them from possibly having to experience that. But I know that isn't how we should life our lives - in worry and in fear - and I'm so thankful that God knew what I needed more than I did and sent this little surprise baby our way.
My biggest hope is that we can raise her to have a strong relationship with God and know how much she is loved by him, because that way, she can get through anything that life throws at her. It's just so much pressure when you think about it! To raise a good, kind, loving, generous, humble human being - especially when you feel that you could use a little improvement in every one of those areas yourself, haha. I pray every day that although we don't know what we're doing half the time, that she can see how much we love her, love each other and love God.
And I wish, more than anything else, that my mom could be here for this. It makes my heart ache to think of everything that she hasn't been here for, but this might be the hardest. Although it brings me comfort to think that her and this baby girl have spent the last 12 years together in Heaven and now my mom is sending her down here to be with us. Jeremiah 29:11 has long been my favorite Bible verse/quote - it's honestly one of the only things that got me through those days after her death - and I feel is so applicable to a new life coming into this world, too.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
I truly believe this and I know that no matter what happens in our life with this baby, that God has a plan for her and that she will be so loved. And at the end of the day, that's what really matters.